Brain-splitting Realizations, Three at a Time

Part of blogging, to me, is the honest recording of thoughts. I usually don’t have a problem with divulging information about myself, when in fact others find it embarrassing – not only are they too embarrassed to express the same thought, but they are also embarrassed by my sharing it.

I struggle here, because this isn’t a paper journal or secret livejournal where I can blaaaaaa out what I need to think about but am too afraid to say out loud. There is a “Save as Private” button, but I fear that it’s a total cop out, and that if I use it once, I’ll start censoring myself and saving the angst.

What I want to write about isn’t something I wouldn’t share with a friend, or be embarrassed if it were overheard. It’s just that I’ve had a long history of divulging too much information, and the only real offense is when I embarrass someone else who happens to be involved in the story. I’m 26, and I’ve only just let this lesson sink in, so I’m feeling cautionary, and haven’t quite gotten the hang of it.

On the other hand, I feel like I’ve been having these lucid epiphanies, and I want to share them. I seem to have grown a recognizable amount lately, and it’s as astonishing to me as it is to you. Until lately, I’ve been swirling through life, happy to get a charge from changing jobs or boyfriends or countries. Up until recently, everything has been the same since about late high school.

I became comfortable with my view of myself. I realized that I’m not just a gawky XX-year-old. I’m also perennially six. I’ve realized that there are some aspects to me that probably won’t ever change much. I’ve come to terms with my wanderlust and general lust. You could say that I’ve become comfortable in my skin. I suppose I should just be grateful for that.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t feel uncomfortable right now. It’s more like I finally understand the annoying analogies about how growing up is like the transformation of a butterfly. Sometimes it’s incredibly painful. Junior high, for instance. The year after college, for another. What’s worse than feeling mentally awkward? (Feeling mentally awkward and also realizing you’re smelly sometimes.)

So anyway, things have basically been the same for a long time. It’s been my brain that’s done all the developing, and I’ve kind of gotten the hang of it. So now, I’m starting to run into these things that I’ve never had to deal with before. For the first time ever, I kind of know what I want to do with my life. (Personally, I feel that I should only count the last four years, because there’s not a lot I could have done to prepare myself better.) I’m going to grad school in the fall, and I’m going to study something I am excited to learn about. (With the exception of “The History of the Organization of Information”, a class so broad it really seems to serve no purpose.) I can see myself being a little old lady librarian. I really can. This makes me so happy, I want to hug myself and jump up and down while making quarter turns on the upbounce.

I’ve dated enough, over a long enough time, to understand the basic fundamentals of a long-term relationship. I’ve realized that there becomes a point where you realize that you might love your friend as much as your boyfriend, and that’s OK. You’re not supposed to love one person more than anybody else. At least I’m not supposed to. (Babies are the exception – I hear there’s a thing about babies.) There’s a whole lot more I’m learning about relationships, but here’s where I get nervous about divulging too much.

I can say this – I am incredibly grateful that I have friends who are older than me, because the perspective they have is incredible. There’s a weird hump right now – a lot of my friends are in relationships, but few of them are marriage-minded – and I am at will to make whatever decision I want about the future I get, thanks to years and years of womens lib of one kind or another. This is the kind of stuff I’ve never really thought about before, in an applicable context. It’s a little too much, and I got a little bit dizzy and had to sit down. Luckily, I had a guiding light of rational thought and perspective waiting for me, along with free pizza. Both of those things cured my mental queasiness.

I can’t exclaim about this enough. It’s like I’ve been playing a lot of Super Mario Brothers (on Game Boy) and now know the first 7 levels REAL well, and have finally gotten the skills to finally move forward after days of going through the same boring levels.

(A blog post isn’t complete without a shitty analogy. That’s the way I roll.)