Antisocial Hamsters
The above title was the name of my very first band. I think I was eight, and my brother and sister were four. We were reading an informative book exposing the benefits of gerbils, and one key point is that hamsters are antisocial.
The band’s inspirations came mostly Queen and Cheap Trick. Mostly we just kept singing “Aaaaanti social hamsters, dooot dooot”. If you ask either of my siblings, I assure you they will be able to sing the tune.
Anyway, this morning I had a strange email from my friend Jay. He had mass-emailed, asking if anyone had any pictures of an exploding hamster, preferably exploding around the torso region. If not, he requested any other animal explosion pictures.
I googled “hamster microwave”, remembering a Flash game that was both funny, and useful in Jay’s foray for exploding hamster imagery. Alas, the page is no longer, but as I perused my Google results, I saw an FAQ page from alt.pets.hamsters. Several of the questions caught my attention, and I will now share them with you, as they are ridiculously funny.
#b24: My hamster’s dead. What can I do?
Unless you know how to bring beings back from the dead, he’s gone to hamster heaven (or hell) for good. The hamster can be buried in your backyard or at a park, or you can phone your vet or a local animal shelter for advice. Please don’t flush them down the toilet.
If you’re having trouble dealing with the loss of your hamster, you might want to look into alt.support.grief.pet-loss, a newsgroup designed to “provide a ‘cybershoulder’ for grieving animal lovers in their time of need.”
#b29: Why shouldn’t I use the microwave to dry off my hamster?
Animals are mostly liquid, and if put in a microwave they will begin to heat up internally resulting in organ damage without any visible injury. Even brief exposure to dense microwaves may damage the nervous system. All in all, not a good idea.
#b31: Do hamsters have souls?
Yes.
This seems to be a fact, considering it’s on an alt. site.
#c02: What hamsters play in professional sports?
None.
#c11: Is there any ASCII hamster art?
,~~v~~,
,’ . . ‘,
=== + ===
/ ~ \n/\_m m_/\n. /.
/ \n/ \n`m/ m/’
#c12: I heard a rumour that hamsters might be bears…
Dr. Ivor Harfbrayne of Llantrisant University, England has
recently published a paper in ‘Small Animal Physiology Journal’
which finally proves what all hamster owners have suspected:
hamsters are actually a kind of bear! The comparisons are
obvious once they are pointed out:
Both are brown and furry
Both stand on their hind legs
Both hibernate
Both can be vicious if provoked
Both are solitary
These attributes also describe my [fill in with appropriate human].
Man, I kept reading, and there’s this whole section about hamsters in the news
– a hamster that was thought dead but then found two years later inside the family’s couch.
– a little boy bringing his hamster to school was told by the bus driver that the hamster had to pay a fare, but the kid didn’t have the loot, and walked. His parents complained to the bus system, and they presented the hamster a free bus pass.
– an article in a German paper describing the survival problem of hamsters in Germany after the unification, as well as the European Union’s sponsoring of hamster friendly farming.
Wow. There are still things on the Internet that amaze me. Let’s not even get into the mentions of hamsters in song.
“She’s a hamster, named Lister.
If I’d brought her to the party she’d have kicked your ass at twister.
She’s Lister, the hamster.
And if you ask me bud, she’s a darn good dancer.
I left her standing at my door,
And then she systematically ripped up my floor!!
She’s Lister, the hamster.
Ask her any question, and she’ll know the answer.
She’s a hamster, named Lister.
Better watch what you’re doin’ or she’ll get you, mister!
(Basically it works with anything that rhymes with
hamster/Lister. It’s a show tune, originally intended for my musical about hamsters, but I ran out of ideas.) “