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<i>Right. I just lost the wind in my sails as I realized that what I really want is a commune of people to hold me like a bean bag chair, stroking my hair and telling me in a hushed tone that everything is fine, everything is fine.</i>
This past week was one of neutral to negative feelings. Sunday I learned that if you don't read/pay attention to/believe small-texted no parking signs,
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you'll get the boot. It's a stupid rule, praying on those who have parked in other lots with similar signage and never was booted. It was essentially a $115 private parking ticket.
Luckily, mere hours after the event, I was given a mom-hug which righted all in the world.
I'm crushed. I'm lost. I'm teary in my cubicle and I hate everything right now.
The guy who was going to sublet my apartment didn't make it through the application process. That means that IT IS THE MIDDLE OF NOVEMBER AND I AM STUCK WITH THIS STUDIO IN CHICAGO AND STUCK WORKING IN WAUKEGAN, essentially.
I'm so frustrated. I've even considered just not paying rent,
letting it be a blight on my perfect credit history,
and leaving. I hate being tied down. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.
I can't even think about it, or I'll cry.
<i>Addendum: I remembered that a representative from tenant.org had called me after I posted my sublet ad in the Chicago Reader. He said that if I wanted to break my lease, they could help. At the time, I was confident that I would find a subletter and be done with the whole process within a week.
It being two months later, and needing some string of hope to hold on to, I called them today. They charge $300 or half a month's rent, and they have a 99.7% success rate at breaking leases. I'm not sure what they know that I don't, but at this point I just want the whole thing done with. Being out of the lease is even better than having a sublet. I have a meeting tomorrow morning, so I'll know more about the process. The did tell me that I'd be out before the 1st of December.</i>
I had an appointment with the Illinois Tenants Union.
It didn't occur to me last night, but as I woke up this morning, I realized that the ITU could be a scam. They reside in a house up on Kimball and Montrose. They wanted me to bring $300 for their services. I might have ended up wearing a ball gag and dancing around to "Mama Mia" if wasn't careful. I consulted my associate.
Jason suggested googling "scam" with their name, and nothing came up. I decided that if I was going to try to get out of my lease legally, I might as well go and see what they had to say. In a true motion of love, Jason went with me (he has jury duty today, and didn't need to be downtown till noon).
As it turns out, pretty much any landlord is doing or not doing something that can lead to you legally breaking your lease. There are all sorts of sticky rules for a landlord to follow, and as a result, the ITU has been able to get people out of their leases in most cases.
Unfortunately, as I am built from cells of sunshine, I felt mildly uncomfortable talking about how we were essentially entering a battle with my landlord. It's so icky.
I do, however, wish to terminate my lease. The details are tedious, but it will be interesting to see what comes from all of this legal crap. The worse case scenario is a lawsuit. Hey, that could be fun.
Truly, this makes me want to curl up in a rural ball and garden for a living. That or go to grad school.
Anyway, today during my drive, I had an instant red-hot memory come out of nowhere and clock me one on the back of the head. A full, bright as day, vivid memory that left me feeling the emotion. I made a face, a kind of surprised grimace, and immediately felt ashamed. It's rare that I have these kinds of in-my-face memories. I must need to purge this one. I'm hoping that I can do so here.
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Somehow, during the lunch period, I got it into my little blonde head that Josh Puck must have taken my dime. I don't remember if I accused Josh of this, or if I told a teacher this, but I do remember the teacher (Mrs. Flagel, perhaps?) taking both Josh and myself outside the building and asking me again what was wrong. I told her that Josh had stolen my dime. She asked me why I thought that.
I said,"Because he looks like he could have."
Oh my God. What a thing to say. Here I'm stereotyping this poor classmate who lives with his grandmother, not unlike Neville Longbottom, as a thief. I don't remember Josh being that shifty as a child.
The teacher was taken aback, and admonished me for my statement. Josh said he had a dime I could have (I really don't know if the dime was lost or stolen, it's besides the point) but the teacher waved him aside. She lectured me about making assumptions and such, and sent both of us on our way.
I like to think that I was brought up in a household that was tolerant and free-thinking (except people who play Lotto – we have no patience for you) so I remain feeling stung about the incident. I made a bad decision in assuming Josh was responsible for my lost dime. I'd like to think that I wouldn't make the same kind of assumption now- or at least not without much more life experience telling me what's causal and what's stereotyping.
<i>I need to come up with a term to refer to the time during my commute where I think thinky thoughts.
I'll take suggestion in the comment field.</i>
in my attempt to be productive (not professionally,
but personally) at work yesterday,
I didn't journal, and I didn't perform my usual ritual of checking Al and Jakes' journals.
I did, however, learn about business grammar. Finally got that who/whom thing down. Whew. I also scrutinized Library Science graduate programs. Who's number one? U of Ill. Who would give me in-state tuition? U of Ill. Who is in Champaign, which makes Jason's face twist up like eating a tiny sour orange? U of Ill.
If only U of Ill's stellar program was somewhere like Portland or Denver. I suppose one cannot base one's academic path on the site of the college. Quality, not location.
In any case, I plan on spending the 8 hours I am here at work trying not to play Yahoo Games, but instead reading Jane Eyre. I'm not lying.
I don't even like the idea of a 401(k). It's buying into the system I am at best wary of,
and at worst loathful of. I'd rather own some land, but this seems to be the option I have at present to help ward off working at a McDonalds when I'm 87.
Unfortunately, I have turned a blind eye to any financial information I might have been introduced to. Therefore, I have no idea about any of this, and the jargon is enough to frighten me into huddling on the couch eating marshmallows.
I do have a legitimate reason for investing in my retirement. My great-grandmothers tend to live a long time. My g.grandma Wilslef was (and I'm rounding up by hours) 108 when she finally shuffled off. Her daughter, my grandma Green, is 87 and kicking it better than most 60 year olds. The chances of me living to see my skin turn papery are quite great. This is why I brush and floss. This is why I'm going to try my darndest to figure out the 401(k) business.
I'm hoping, by vocalizing like this, to find a financial advisor amongst my friends. Dealings with money are often stigmatized- it's somehow embarrassing to talk about. Dealings with money that may or may not be lost is a legitimate cause for concern. I wouldn't want to be responsible for someone's investment decisions. I can understand that. I do want to be informed, however.
I'm starting to listen to myself better. I can hear the patterns of what I'm thinking and saying. I am being rather introspective.
This is not easy; oh no. To really observe one's own thoughts without analyzing takes a seriousness I usually do not employ. On a short-term,
localized basis I have alienated myself just a little. Just enough to provide adequate focus to my inner reboot. In fact, I wasn't aware how methodical and purposeful I was being. I thought I was just in a small depression- about the size of a thumbprint in playdough.
As it turns out, I am becoming a little more purposeful in my thoughts and actions. This comes as a relief to me, having been classified as having a high turnover rate of decisions and paths. I've analyzed the data, and this is what I've decided about myself:
– I will always want change in my life, both in rate and intensity. Having settled on this, instead of seeing it as a character flaw or something I'd grow out of, I find myself being more deliberate with the 'next' actions I take. I seem to be constantly trying to find what I'm going to do next, for if I am not habitually changing something, I am preparing for it. "Next!" If I can become more thoughtful and deliberate in this pre-flight stage, I may end up making better decisions for myself. In fact, I might find myself on a path I don't want to change from.
– I do wish for some rigidity in my life. Had I a child or a condo, I would be forced to make sensible decisions. I have certainly not exhausted myself, and I think I might never get tired of perpetual change. Hence, the attempt to be deliberate.
– I am a farm girl. I am also an adventurer. I'm not sure how I'll balance these tugs, but I hope to fashion a device out of duct tape and plastic bags that will suit me for both desires.
Right. Suddenly, I have actual work to do. How odd. Well, the Abbott and Peer Group Financial Comparisons aren't going to proof themselves!
I cannot blame myself for my current thoughts on relationships. I've been listening on CD to Brigid Jones' Diary: Edge of Reason,
since the movie is supposed to be crap and I want to remember it for what it ought to be. I have forgotten that chicklit makes me feel all wonky,
and Britlit makes me want to talk like an Anglophile.
Allison Lyman, you are in a tar paper shack of a relationship. Later, after you've tired of it and are finally done (shack burnt to ground) you'll think back and see how much you neglected. I need those livejournal entries to keep me sane. It's your fault I'm not.
I dare say it's difficult to be selfishly honest with someone, when you know what they really want right now is pure (positive) support. There is no balance I have found for the knowledge that friend's relationship will end badly, and that you'll shoulder up support then too. Ah well, I can't complain. I've committed the same crimes.
I'm still going to see the god damned movie, even if it sucks. I'll just wait till it's on video.
If I eat a grilled cheese sandwich and drink a root beer,
my belches taste like burned marshmellows!
Holiday themed clothing is rarely a good idea. A blinking shirt is novel,
at best. I feel my plains-born self shudder every time I see a turtleneck with turkeys on it.
"Teacher sweaters" are even worse, because they aren't just for the holidays. In fact,
the only thing worse than teacher sweaters is Bill Cosby sweaters. You know, the patterns that numb your brain just a little.
I swear, when I'm a little old lady librarian, I will only wear cardigans. I think that's the dress code anyway.
Reflecting for a moment, I do remember owning a turtleneck shirt with Monopoly items scattered on it.
I take back my inflammatory comments about festive tops. It's a cry for creativity, and I am not going to fault anyone for attempting creativity.
Hooptie. I managed to give myself the flu Monday, and stayed home from work. I think some call that "hypochondria" but I think it's legit. I spent the morning crying, then researched what it's going to take to get my car registered in Illinois, as well as getting a drivers license. The goddamn shit of it is that I splurged on the Iowa license that I got in '02 that's still good till '08!
The big moment of my day was taking photographs of my now-empty apartment, shoving my bike in my car, and bravely asking the apartment manager for a receipt for returning my keys. If you're not in the know, I've utilized the Illinois Tenants Union (ITU) to break my lease. According to them, my landlord is charging illegal fees to relet, and therefore I can have my lease broken. I've followed the ITU rules, and now they'll serve some nice papers to the landlord and hope that I'll magically be sprung from my apartment. I'm just a little nervous that this will actually work, and I won't be stuck with a Logan Square studio and a pissed off landlord. I mean, they're only an advising group. They do have a jingle, though.
I've finally figured out that if I stop using conditioner, I'll stop losing so much hair. Our hairtrap in the shower is absolutely disgusting. I mean, there are three people shedding hair and skin and semen into the shower every day. Now you understand.
I didn't realize how much better I'd feel once I made some decisions around here. I've decided to stay at Abbott,
move up to Waukegan, and work on grad school applications. Whew. Now all I need is a bed and a death-defying entrance essay, and I'll be set for the winter.
I should start compiling a list of books to read during the cold dark nights. Life of Pi is up there, so's Staggering Work of Blah de Blah. I have a copy of Tropic of Cancer under my arm (cancer under my arm!) but I just haven't gotten into it yet.
I've found that the best commute book-on-tape author is Kurt Vonnegut Jr. I don't feel stupid, and I don't have to pay attention like it's a Grisham novel.
I'm too hepped up on sugar to write anything abstractly poignant. Let the line about armpit cancer be your shining moment while reading this.
For some reason I keep thinking of Dan Potthast tunes and use the word "fruit snacks" to fill in the lyrics.