Category Archives: I’m feeling emo.

Everyone is morose, sometimes.


I don’t seem to be a very good voter. There was the great debacle of 2004, and now again I have found out that by moving too much and not keeping track of the whatsits and whosits, I can’t vote tomorrow.

This weekend I moved. I live in the same state I did before I moved. I just didn’t let the election people know. I can drive back to my old city and vote there (and 4 hours in the car), or just throw my hands up, again.

On the upside, this is just the primary. I shall have my docudrama in order for the biggie.

Effing A* Good Enough

As I was coming up the creepy spiral stairs at the library this morning, I was reflecting on a conversation I had just had. I had been hit with one of those waves of feeling – the kind where you realize you had seemingly channeled your mom. Not only did I sound like her, but I acted like her too, during this brief dialog with my coworker.

This has been happening with increasing frequency since high school. At first it was the occasional motion (the best of which is captured on national television when I went to RAW Is WAR, and was startled by The Undertaker directly behind me.

Anyway, the point is, I was thinking about how I’m turning into my mom. Only not – I’m definitely like her, but with the changes that come from being my own person, growing up in the 80’s and 90’s, traveling a different life path, etc. (Also, I don’t have her curls, something I’m still bitter about.) But like her enough that I’m pleased about it.

Then I had A Big Thought. It occurred to me that any child I have will probably be a lot like me. An insecure feeling swept me up. I thought to myself, “Am I good enough of a person to let that happen?”

Then I was all like “shit, yeah”, and continued walking up the stairs.

A few words to ponder, by Kurt Vonnegut

My brother sent me this, from a 2006 Stop Smiling interview with Kurt Vonegut:

SS: You and your family long ago gravitated East. What
is your theory about fresh water people versus
salt-water people?

KV: When my ancestors arrived, they were thunderstruck
by all this land. They were right in the middle of it.
Arable land stretched out for hundreds of miles in all
directions. So the land, the continent, was enough to
think about. New York and San Francisco and West Coast
people are oceanic really and feel very close to
Europe or to Asia and the people in the Middle West
are continental. One is not better than the other. It
just happens to be an interesting difference. Where
did you grow up?

SS: Illinois.

KV: All right. You’re a fresh water person.

Antron advised me to start thinking about which I am – saltwater or freshwater. My answer isn’t immediate, not like last week. I think I’m going to hang back and see how I feel in a couple of months. Hindsight is proverbial.

You really wanted a post about my feelings.

So, I’ve been feeling choking-you-from-the-inside-welling-up-faster-than-you-can-blink-it-back friend/homesickness, so I’ll be glad to have some of my peeps around for Easter. (Get it – peeps? Easter? Zombie Jesus?)

Almost every day, at some point, I think to myself, “Why am I not living in Chicago right now?”

“Because I didn’t want to wait to look for a job,” is the answer. But man, will I feel this socially detached in six months? It’s already been three. Why should I have to find new friends, when I already have lots of perfectly good friends just lying around? Am I really homesick? I’m trying to tell myself that I’m not – I’ve never been homesick – but there’s enough vague unhappiness that I can’t identify to not rule it out.

And being frustrated makes me sappier. Stupid non-agression. I guess it’s still better than drinking.

End soppy rant.

G to the rizzo.

For those of you who requested I post more, I don’t know what you’re looking for, but this is what I have for you.

It’s raining.
My new phone stopped ringing. Like, it never rings, even after checking that it’s set on ‘ring’ and am using a Motorola-supplied tone (as opposed to Mindless Self Indulgence’s Bitches).
So I reset it.
Now my phone numbers are gone, and when I use iSync, they don’t show up again.
I know this should be doable, since Jason synched my phone in the first place.
But he’s not here.
Which reinforces the fact that I need him.
But not in that awwww nice way, in the petulant fix-it-for-me way.
Which makes me grumpy.
And want to post and bitch about it.
Which makes me loathe myself.
Because posts like these are no fun.
Whirling dervish of a downward spiral, leaving me no choice but to eat ice cream for dinner.
That is all.

Surprise! I’m not dumb now.

Jason’s out of town this weekend, and if there’s something I’ve learned about myself, it’s that if left to my own devices, I use those devices to make radical alterations to myself. You should be glad I’m not freshly tattood.

IMG_9015.JPG IMG_9031.JPG IMG_9029.JPG IMG_9019.JPG
Click on thumbnails to see larger images. Plus there’s more on Flickr.

I only left the house today to go get hair dye. It’s a good thing I have work tomorrow, or I may never move.

Baby face

On the last day of Americorps, I said goodbye to about 30 people who were like Army buddies. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever stop crying. Finally, I had no more tears. I would have kept crying, but my tear ducts were completely depleated.

Now I’ve been saying goodbye to folks here for about three days. The difference is that I keep saying to each myself

“These are professional contacts. We’ll be at ALA together, and there’s no reason to lose contact. Even if I don’t talk to them in a long time, I can come up with some librarical reason to email them, and contact is re-established.”

Posted from Shane+E’s

My parents are immortal. Yes, they are.

I had a long conversation tonight with a friend about our parents and how the idea of them dying is impossible to think about. I remember the conversation I had with my sister years ago agreeing that Mom and Dad were immortal.

Tonight we talked about how it will ever possibly feel OK to have our parents leave us. Even if I have my own family, I don’t think that I will ever be ready for my parents to shuffle off. Seriously. They’re not old enough for me to think that it would be merciful.

I’m maybe just a little freaked out thinking about it. But it’s kind of pleasurable, because it’s an emotional indicator of how I feel. I’m sure there’s lots of things that I won’t miss till they’re gone, but it’s a powerful feeling to miss someone before they leave.